Where are you when i always needed you most?
its always this question to myself whenever i needed someone most,when i'm most depressed,when i needed help to the peak...

Disappointment this day 31052010
Together we, Da Jie and Da Sao, Zach and Vincent, Gerald and Me, went to this Food Fare @ Expo.
i was so depressed when Zach and Da sao can actuaaly sit there comfortably when their beloved set a manly example to buy food, get sits, await on their lover... but for my case i'm like another mad chicken running here and there getting food getting drinks hunting sits...

i always hate it when i have to give orders to the dreamer, gerald which is always dreaming following me around like a sheep, i'd always have to give orders so he'll move a step to do something..

Not until finally we peacefully sat down and eat, with the 2 lovely couples infront of me, i started to feel so down inside me.. so hateful to why have i chosen gerald to be the one... most turn off is that he was digging his fucking mouth with his finger right infront of everyone... i was so fucking embarrassed and low that very moment, i was acting so hard as if nothing really did happened, being myself trying to be happy and all......

The past days with him~
I'd hate it so much, i told him i'm so tight right now, or rather i'm already bankrupt... i don't have any money.. so i attempted to give him the chance, i voiced out to him that i'm bankrupt and i needed his help, so i asked to borrow a 50 dollars from him. he says alright.

But then he didn't borrow as he said...
each day i was living with embarrassment to ask him again and again for each time he gives me a 10 dollars. i'd still have to beg... you know how much i fucking hate to beg from anybody, especially to him my own lover .

proves to show i really can't depend on him in anyways. even on my most difficult times.

Comparing with Vincent, my last time ex, i didn't even have to show that i'm in difficulties, he'd be so caring and silently put cash into my wallet without me knowing... this simple gratitude i'd be so touched... those were the moments...

luckily my sis wants to buy something for her, she passed me some cash, so i'd used that to pull through my days first, lieing to her that i can only get her stuff next week whereas my pathetic army pay will be out..