Seeking Confession of Myself Today was the most 'confused by myself' day.. maybe it'll be clearer to express what i've been feeling in words here then to keep it a secret.. guess no one will see these anyways.. After a struggle from the break up with zach, i'd managed to stand by myself, but i'd be confused with myself somehow is that, i realise not until today, all this while i was still using him as an 'item' in anything, let's just take for an example, in whatever account passwords.. in comparison to current dates, to future criteria from love.. even using him as an excuse in my head to quit smoking... but its clear that our love has ended. after the years, till now, everytime i see him or got close to him, i felt so different... i feel so nervous and tensed up, my heart was racing.. A week back,I already felt this coming back in the movies with them and him sitting with me, had the sudden thought that we haven't had movies before when we were together, felt blissed to have at least fulfilled the one thing we could have done in the past... even though our stats are different now... Him beside me, its so naturally warmth, i so wanted to embrace into his arms... the horror movie was scary, although i had jumpy moments, but most of the time i feel so secure with him that cools me down... i'd hoped the movie lasted longer but all good things comes to an end, just treasure the feeling i had in memories... will we gonna ever watch a show together again? take today in the worst scenario, i was actually so happy that he'd wanted to play mahjong with us, not until he sat down beside then i was so tensed up.. feels like i couldn't even breath properly..[luckily the mahjong game saved me, had the excuse to be nervous because he was damn good in the game] i got so worried myself to what is going on.. i mean, i was talking in my head, he's already a past, we won't be together again, he's happily attached too.. my head is so full! fighting till the extend that i keep persuading myself the opposites to try repelling the weird feelings already, telling myself he's not good looking, he's a flirty, he's not tall enough, he's too complicated, not stable in finance, still a player around.. so and so... i left straight out of the house after we'd stopped the game, i'm having such a mixed up, In the long train ride back home, i cleared my doubts that he's really not forgotten inside me afterall, my persuasion towards myself failed because he is really perfect inside me.. i was just lieing to myself, realised, all this while i am in denial that i still have strong feelings for him. Just i cant express it out.. i felt my heart aches the same time hearing him talking on the phone with his boyfriend, i shouldn't be jeolous, why am i? Fabian lee guo an, i'm seriously telling myself, what good does it bring to have hope for him? saw his boyfriend that day, well, i have my own attributes yea... WTH! I'm comparing?! gosh...! i was so looking for this weeks programme that he'd asked before, a korean restaurant that he recommands, but it happens to clash with my stupid NS training stuff, that i've to missed it... aw...............!!!! ugh.. I HATE NS.. what's gonna happen next? can i control myself better? bloggy bloggy, i can't tell anyone else except you.. :D

~Continues another day,
Hey! i'd just read my previous posts in '07 had a missing on him! aiyo..

~Continues another day,
as time cools me down, i tone down the need to see him... and had a better thought.. He's just too perfect to have.. may he be really that addictive, well, i can't i suppose...

~ Continues another week
was supposedly planned for East Coast Cycling, but da jie and da sao had a bike accident the day before.. then its cancelled :(cries

~Continues on 19/04/2009
We went out today together We had a bright day today, went to Tampinis Safra for a good tann , you'll definately drool over his body, been so long i felt them.. hehe, chicky.. Got to know over casual talks that, Zach is actually single? He'd claim that he's tired of being attached for a long period of time, and that he wants to rest.. but he's having 1 on 1s, not dates, meeting people out for dinner or so... (FuxxXXX around?!) i can feel my heart actually still feels for him whenever he gets close, it certainly does feels good to see him smile again upfront, his killer eyes are so electrifying.. Then to Gelare@ Siglap had a closer observing of him, Putting the sweet ice cream on my lips, lost myself for a second again, hm... why am i still having such strong feelings in him? We seperated as i gotta attend to my own freelance appointments, sigh, hoping the moments could have lasted longer.. Had an enjoyable fun day with them though................

~Continues on 22/04/09
Think my single sided thoughts of you have to stop, its just a silent crush on you i guess.. You no longer have your eyes fixed on me now and your tenderness is no longer mine... We've a new life of our own. My heart is only sufficient for one, and im happy being with gerald now... May you find someone too... The End

~continues on 30th december 2010
Today i just happen to be so free and came across his facebook profile, gee, what an envy to them right now, keeps travelling overseas .. Going taipei for count down... And im still stuck here...

~continues on 8th january 2011
Feels so fan jian, sleeping with his blanket made me so happy...

~continues on 17th january 2011
So happy to have got you started on words app in iphone, we're communicating

~continues on 1st april 2011
Im so please that ive rush down to just see him for that few mins, even the simpliest few words made me melt inside... I admit it feels abit stupid because its actually nothing, just asked him whether he wants drinks, but the few words of communication meant something to me... Id blame myself for getting green tea... Hehe... Nice silvery ring though..

~continues on 17th April 2011,
Aiyo.... so surprised.. 原来他唱起歌来是那么的迷人好听的... 其实在我的脑海里，以前我们在一起时，就算是他唱走音，我也深深的被迷惑了... 我其实真的很珍惜现在，哪怕就算我们是以不同的立场，就算是vincent在也好，我只是想多和你接触而已.. 我其实很高兴当你以为我会建议vincent有去而害怕我不会来时叫我去的那个举动还有当我们分开回家时你会text我说get home safely... 我知道其实也没什么，可是在我心里，这就是我最需要和缺乏的...

~continues on the 18th April 2011
Hehe... i'm like in the clouds, i was joking to him this morning asking him whether did he have nightmare with my voice.. and he replied:
oooooh
*no ah
*u sing pretty well
*at least u can sing in tune
*wasnt a nightmare at all
awgh... so happy.. well.. he didnt quite remember that this is the second time we've been to the KTV together... its okie.. :D